Psalm 139:1-18, 23-24

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

O LORD, you have searched me

     and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

     you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

     you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

     you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in--behind and before;

     you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

     too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

     Where can I flee from you presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

     if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

     if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

     your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

     and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

     the night will shine like the day,

     for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

     you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

     your works are wonderful,

     I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

     when I was made in the secret place.

     When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

     All the days ordained for me

     were written in your book

     before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

     How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

     they would outnumber the grains of sand.

     When I awake,

     I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

     test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

     and lead me in the way everlasting.

down

a morning of masks and disguises—
each sound that comes from my mouth to them
at odds with a shapeless weight my shoulders bear.
what is it?
a glance, a despairing feeling, and we look down at our feet.
still down, my eyes go to the sky, to the sun.
it was golden when i awoke
and now warm, melting winter bit by bit,
but still i stand before a shadow,
always between the sun and my shadow…
they see me as usual,
but i am the shadow today.

silent night

she has been thinking many things,

many kinds of thoughts,

like the face of the moon--

some illuminated, some forever in darkness

or like snow falling--

in seemingly slow motion,

gentle, careful...

(but given wind it is fierce, 
it is powerful)

like holding your breath under water--

survival. and you hear the sounds around you, muffled.

you see the light and shadows.

you are immersed in almostwarmth

and it fills you with solitary pleasure

and panic

all at once.

you want to hold on, to stay under,

just a little longer...

like looking at your hands in the dishwater--

feeling decades older,

feeling like you're looking back at a full and happy life...

i want you to burst through the door right now

and look in my eyes.

i want you to read this in my eyes.

somehow, they are written there,

the years that have not yet been.

every real thing,

every beautiful thing...

this is why she stays in silence for so long--

all this going on...

all this going on...

heard it today...

"you should not be so wanting. 
you are flying in the face of God..."

(photograph by me on the way to England...)

amazing life

amazing life

we've been given

i know that you've had some troubles

i have had some troubles

we've been wasted

we've been complacent

we've given in to getting through the days

i hear the doves

singing in the trees

they call the dusk

tell us not to sleep

the coming dark

can't hide what we can see

can't hide what we can see

the algebra

of innocence

is lost in the bathroom mirrors

practiced born and steady

been complacent

we've been bad neighbors

we've been unfaithful in our prime age

to open up to see what happens next

to see our hearts

to risk breaking our necks

to chop it down

to follow there against

so we'll be young again

amazing world

the ground that gives

i know that you've had some troubles

i have had some troubles

we've been wasted

we've been complacent

we've given in to getting through the days

i saw a star

fall from a green sky

i saw you laugh

your eyes were open wide

i saw your skin

uncovered in the night

uncovered in the night

-matt pond pa

please hold

i see the side of his face best now,

his conversation drawn elsewhere,

and i listen to the low murmur of the crowd,

the mingling of people,

their voices echoing distantly.

i see the smiles,

greeting and bidding farewell--

kind, genuine, and beautiful.

i am at his side, on his arm, in his company

while he exchanges words and laughter with those he knows and loves,

those who are quickly filling my heart as well.

i smile too, glistening like a jewel on his crown...

but he knows i am more,

and he looks at me knowingly.

we are surrounded by lights and sound,

moving in slow motion

past mouths hindered by some invisible force.

a golden thread frames his figure as he stands against the light,

his own mouth moving slowly.

i am the silent audience of this inexplicable and pleasant upheaval of reality...

--in an instant it enveloped me,

and in an instant it was gone.--

i hear the click,

and his voice comes back across the line,

apologizing for the interruption.

i let escape a joyful grin

whose origin he can only nearly guess--

the picture in the silence.