"you are too beautiful to be broken," she said to me.

"i break every day...

i am beautiful because 

someone keeps putting me back together."

Job 5:18

picture by lauraisakitten

rain, rain don't go away

i am all kinds of aimless fury inside.

where can it go?

where can i go?

summer

my mother used to put dried flowers in my hair
just like these…

that is summer in my mind sometimes.

photo by Amy Longberry

sometimes

sometimes i forget that you haven’t known me all my life,

that you never knew the little girl

that became a not-so-little girl

that became this young woman you call friend.

sometimes i remember what never was

because today is something that i never imagined.

sometimes i forget that i have to tell you about myself for you to find out

what’s in there.

sometimes my past catches up and my present wants to step aside.

sometimes my present catches up and i just want to go back.

it is strange for me to think that you have made assumptions

about me,

but i suppose we all have our suppositions.

i feel i know you where the rain meets the leaves,

whatever that means,

and though i am so familiar,

you don’t know what to think

sometimes.

in with the arms...

by loney dear

in with the dark nights,

in with the weighed down clouds

suburbs and stations,

long range trains coming in

how can you manage?

how can you bear me now?

coming in fast, bringing the lights

keeping me calm, keeping me calm like you do

i’m tearing us down,

how can you do?

keeping me down…

in with the trains rushing through the lands

in with the aeroplanes,

breaking through heavy nights

where does it go?

when does it sleep again?

off with the devils,

off with the devils…

keeping me calm, keeping me calm like you do

i love you. i love you

keeping me calm…

in with the trains, rushing like blood to my limbs

come over dance with me,

come on over dance with me

in with the warmth, in with the comfort to me,

citadel band play for me, citadel band play for me

keeping me calm, keeping me calm like you do

i love you. i love you.

off with the boards,

off with what’s keeping me down,

in with the arms,

in with what’s keeping me calm,

i cannot go, i cannot do

in with the arms

in with what’s keeping me calm

i cannot go, i cannot do

i love you. i love you.

in with the arms,

in with whats keeping me calm…

autobiography, of sorts

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

She has had a direction without realizing it,
or rather, articulating it.
For years,
a purpose, a motivation.
Humbly she seeks to capture that,
to shape it before her eyes so that you can see too,
so that she knows where she’s going.
“Fearfully and wonderfully made,” she says to herself,
and the words “full well” swell up on her tongue,
spilling over gracefully as she writes them down.
The words on the page draw her in
and push her out—
in asking questions,
out with new ideas—
She is intrigued by the concept of concrete words
representing abstract thought...
To do with myself what is right for such a creation.
To do with myself what is right.

Like an old film reel clicking away on a screen before an empty room
so her memories come.
Full of glad faces,
a wholesome childhood,
good feet to walk and stand upon.
“Do you regret?” you wonder.
“No, I cannot,” she replies.
“Sometimes, it hurts…
But so does the sand that rubs against me when I swim in the ocean.”
Her voice is soft—not quiet, soft.
One has had a successful journey when she can look back and see
she would not have gone any other way.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

She learned from Christian teachers
to put one foot in front of the other
to move forward,
never sideways.
To appreciate beauty,
and to create it.
She did well, which bothered her at times.
Not quite good enough…
but by whose standards?
Finally, “It is not how you are doing,” someone seemed to say,
“but what you are doing.”
And a tattered road sign appeared to her right:
Keep Going.

“I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths.
When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble.” Proverbs 4:11-12

A dream awoke her:
“Do not be afraid,” she heard him say.
She cannot shake it, and she is not afraid.
What is it to be wise, she wondered.
Wisdom is not the mere absence of fear,
but the practice of discretion and compassion.
With a spark of this, she took the bend in the road,
which led her away from home
toward another one…
Crossing borders internal and external,
invisible and plain,
the lines of the road formed one solid streak as they passed by…

“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:5-6

Here, we catch up with her.
It is strange, but she has felt like the outsider
looking in, attempting to find words to fit where she is,
to ask and answer the questions.
She has always wanted to give words
and her love for them—
not simply the letters, but the way they form a partnership,
a definition.
“Do you see how they connect us?” She is excited.
You can see her chewing on your words,
absorbing your inquisition and throwing back strings of thought.
You challenge her,
and you watch the edges of her eyes settle into a squint
as though she’s trying to cradle the thoughts just a little longer.
They’re not ready,
but they will be.
“Make the most of every opportunity…”
This means the journey is slow,
but to take it faster would be a mistake.

On the way, the way home,
she sees their faces,
those talented minds between youth and adulthood.
She calls them to come along for a year—
maybe less, maybe more—
Where? Where are we going?

If you have to ask, I can tell you only this:
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path”
On our way home.

Psalm 139:1-18, 23-24

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

O LORD, you have searched me

     and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

     you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

     you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

     you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in--behind and before;

     you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

     too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

     Where can I flee from you presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

     if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

     if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

     your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

     and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

     the night will shine like the day,

     for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

     you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

     your works are wonderful,

     I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

     when I was made in the secret place.

     When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

     All the days ordained for me

     were written in your book

     before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

     How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

     they would outnumber the grains of sand.

     When I awake,

     I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

     test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

     and lead me in the way everlasting.